What is a healthy weight and 4 tips to help you get there (without counting calories)

What is a healthy weight and how do you achieve it? We're told it's all about numbers. BMI (body mass index), the number on the scales, the number of calories to consume, or burn, or avoid… but numbers don't give you the whole story and they won't get you closer to a healthy relationship with your body. So, what will? Let's explore what being a healthy weight means, and how to get there without counting calories.

The trouble with BMI

The problem with using BMI to determine whether your weight is healthy or not is that BMI does not take into account that all bodies are different. BMI uses your weight and your height to deliver an arbitrary judgement: 18.5-25 – healthy; 25-30 – overweight; over 30 – obese. But it cannot measure muscle or body fat, nor how fat is distributed. A body-builder's heavy muscles will give them a BMI score of "obese". Someone might be slender and have a "healthy" BMI but be carrying a lot of belly fat, which is a marker for chronic disease and points to something being out of balance.

BMI can't tell you why you may have gained weight. It just puts you in a box, and gives you a number to chase (usually by reducing another number – calories). This takes you further away from your body rather than connecting you to it. And that's a problem because being connected to your body is fundamental to shift towards a healthier lifestyle.

If we condense our view of health to a mere collection of numbers, then we fail to see weight as a symptom of something bigger and deeper than food, calories or kilograms. Our weight and our health are tied to what we eat, yes, but also when and how we eat, and, just as importantly, what drives our food choices beyond hunger – our emotions, our trauma, our past, our current circumstances, our environment. We therefore need a holistic approach that explores why we're here in the first place, and gentle curiosity to uncover new ways of relating to our bodies and to food.

Chasing a number vs chasing a feeling

When we chase a number, we're chasing an illusion, an intangible and arbitrary definition of health. How you feel in your body is so much more important than how much your body weighs.

In my twenties, I weighed myself every morning. I had a goal, and I chased it relentlessly. This wasn't about health, it was about being thin, and the number that appeared at my feet determined whether it would be a good day or a bad day. Was I 0,2 kilos heavier than the day before? Then my body would appear to me in the mirror as a great untamed mass of cottage cheese, and, shame burning my face, I would agonize over what to wear to hide the perceived bulge of my tummy and the curve of my butt. Was I per chance 0,1 kilos lighter? Then I'd feel the brief relief of a prisoner released from prison (and yet not free at all, because the number had to be lower again the next day). This might sound extreme, but I know many of us are stuck in similar self-defeating cycles, where our self-worth and sense of attractiveness are tied to two or three digits on a screen.

But does it actually feel good? Sure, there's is a brief high when you reach your goal, but that has to be maintained. And a lower weight does not automatically translate to a feeling of confidence. Because after all, what you're doing here is tying your self-confidence to something external and appearance based. That's not sustainable, and that's not real confidence. I remember the number being "right" but my body still feeling somehow wrong. Achieving a particular weight did nothing to help me accept myself or my body.

If we make acceptance conditional (on losing weight, on getting a new job, on becoming successful, on having fewer wrinkles, etc.) we will forever be chasing something, and delaying the one thing that's essential for any sustainable change: unconditional positive regard for ourselves. This is why I never recommend aiming for a particular weight, but instead encourage my clients to explore what losing weight, being healthy and feeling confident means to them.

What if we chased a feeling instead of a number?

Instead of thinking "how much do I want to weigh" or "what's a healthy weight", let's ask: "how do I want to feel?" or "what does being healthy feel like?" – this opens a whole new horizon. Suddenly, you're not chasing a number but an experience. Instead of counting calories (more on that later) and compulsively trying to push your body into an arbitrary shape or weight, you can use your sensations to guide you to healthier choices, you can explore your diet past, your cravings and your triggers to learn about yourself and about your patterns, and from there begin to make sustainable changes. It's not a 10-day meal plan, it's a life-long journey (and it includes delicious food). At the end of this article, you'll find four tips to help you get started.

It is normal for your weight to fluctuate

Another reason to let go of this idea of a set-in-stone healthy weight and maybe also let go of the scales themselves, is that your weight will naturally fluctuate. Something as mundane as being a little constipated can make it seem like you've gained 2 kilos overnight. And your weight will change, sometimes wildly, throughout the month. The body hangs on to fluids during the ovulation and the luteal phases of your cycle, making it seem as though you've gained weight when in fact your body is just responding to a temporary hormonal shift.

Similarly, you might notice that you carry a little bit extra in the winter, because colder weather naturally encourages us to move a little less and eat a little more. There's nothing wrong with this – despite all those articles about losing weight in time for the office Christmas party – especially if you are in tune with your body and have learned to regulate your eating around your appetite rather than unregulated emotions.

Why we gain weight – it's not just food

It would be wrong of me to tell you that diet has nothing at all to do with weight, because of course food plays an important role here. Processed foods, high-sugar foods, fried foods are all implicated in weight gain. But there's more to it.

Stress, for example, is also implicated in weight gain. And I think we can all agree we're dealing with more stress than ever due to the constant demands on our attention from our work, social media, social expectations, and the more or less present awareness of what is happening, socially and ecologically, to the world around us. Learning to regulate our responses to stress is an important part of our journey towards better health.

When you're stressed, your body goes into fight-or-flight mode and releases cortisol. Cortisol instructs your liver to break down its glycogen stores and release glucose into your bloodstream to give you a quick burst of energy. Evolutionarily, this mechanism helped us to run away from or physically fight danger (usually danger from a wild animal) but that isn't the case today. In response, your body releases insulin to help manage this spike in blood sugar, turning the excess glucose into body fat.

Stress and anxiety feel uncomfortable, and as a result we seek comfort by turning to foods that trigger the brain's reward pathway – foods that are high in sugar, high in fat, and easily accessible. You're a lot more likely to reach for convenience foods at these times than to spend fifteen minutes preparing a bowl of salad.

Stress also leads to disrupted sleeping patterns, causing us to feel tired and even more sensitive to stress. Lack of sleep increases appetite (making it more likely we'll turn to high-energy foods) and leads to higher cortisol levels. And so the cycle continues.

As you can see, weight gain is not just about food. Attempting to change or control your food intake without taking a look at what else is going on in your life won't lead to sustainable change. This is why a holistic approach is needed.

Why counting calories doesn't work

"There is nothing in this world so moronic, so meaningless as dieting" Butter, by Asako Yuzuki

When I read the above sentence, confidently stated by one of the main characters in the book Butter, I couldn't help but agree. Though the statement is rather harsh, she makes an excellent point. Dieting is moronic because it's based on a flawed model; it's meaningless because it does not work. Dieting just further distorts our connection to our bodies and to food.

Most of us are familiar with the diet cycle: stepping on the scales to see a number we've decided (or have been told) is unacceptable, that number causing an inner panic, that panic propelling us towards another diet, weeks of calorie counting or cutting out entire food-groups, only to put the weight back on and begin all over again, a little more stressed and a little less confident than the last time.

In my late teens and early twenties, I was a diet queen. I did them all – the Cabbage Soup diet, the Atkins diet, the Slim Fast diet, the 10-days-to-your-bikini-body diet, the low-carb diet, the low-fat diet, the Special-K diet, the Master-Cleanse diet, the fat-burning-diet-pill diet, the list goes on. Eventually I ended up with such a skewed view of my body and of food that the I-guess-I-wont-eat diet seemed the most appropriate option. Dieting had got me nowhere, except a higher weight, a state of chronic dissatisfaction with the way I looked, and an all-consuming obsession with the number of calories I consumed. And my experience is not an exception.

If dieting worked, we would diet once and that would be that. As it is, most dieters go on one diet after another after another, each time losing a little more confidence, not to mention getting further away from a healthy relationship with food. This result is fantastic for the diet sector, which has grown into a multi-billion-euro industry, but it's rubbish for those stuck on the never-ending diet train. Did you know that almost all dieters regain the weight, and more, within 1-5 years? (ref: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8216368/)

How are calories calculated?

Just like BMI, calories only give you part of the story. To calculate calories, food scientists use a method called "bomb calorimetry". A sample of food is placed in a chamber surrounded by water, and then burned. The heat from that increases the water's temperature, and this is used to calculate the food's energy – if the water temperature increases by 50 degrees, the food contains 50 calories.

The problem with looking at food from this perspective alone is that it ignores a very important point: the body is not a machine (burning any food in a calorimeter will produce heat, but digesting and processing different foods in a body will produce a host of different effects).

The diet culture considers that a calorie is a calorie. Pick up any women's magazine and you'll find that theory underpinning most weight-loss tips. The implication is that it makes no difference if you consume 2000 calories from chips, pastries and burgers or 2000 calories from rice, tofu and greens. And this is, of course, nonsense. A calorie's worth of tofu or another lean protein will have a completely different impact on the body compared to a calorie's worth of pasta (carbohydrates) or a calorie's worth of gin (alcohol).

Studies demonstrate that different foods have different effects on the body's many processes, including on hormones related to weight gain and appetite – hormones such as ghrelin (the appetite stimulating hormone), leptin (the appetite suppressing hormone), glucagon (a hormone that raises blood sugar) and insulin (a hormone that lowers blood sugar). In other words, we have to look beyond calories and instead look at how food interacts with the body.  (ref: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10272999/)

Avocado vs jelly beans – 250 calories, but very different

Consider the humble avocado (https://nutritionsource.hsph.harvard.edu/avocados/) (around 250 calories for a medium sized one). It contains monounsaturated fats (supporting healthy brain function and balanced hormones), fibre (making you feel full, reducing your appetite after a meal, and supporting a healthy digestive tract), B vitamins (important for energy balance), vitamin C (vital for the immune system), vitamin E (great for skin), magnesium (helps regulate the body's stress response), and carotenoids (powerful antioxidants). It's a versatile food too – it can be added to salads, mashed into guacamole, piled high onto a slice or two of sourdough, or even turned into a decadent chocolate mousse with the simple addition of cacao powder and maple syrup.

Now compare that to around 65 grams of jelly beans (also around 250 calories). Made from sugar, glucose syrup, maize starch, with added colouring and artificial flavourings, they deliver a big dose of refined carbohydrates with no fat, no protein, no fibre and no vitamins. [Side note: ironically, I used to consider jelly beans a "safe" food because they are fat-free, while avocados were not on the menu because of their high fat content. This reductionist way of looking at food gets us to choose foods that contain no nutrients whatsoever, while vilifying foods that are actually good for us.] The impact of eating jelly beans is a rapid spike in blood sugar, which you'll feel as a burst of jittery energy, followed by a crash, which you'll feel as a slump in energy. This slump will lead you to crave more food, increasing the chance of weight-gain. What's more, while they may not contain fat, these high-sugar foods cause weight gain anyway. That's because too much sugar causes elevated insulin levels. Insulin signals to your cells to absorb the sugar from your bloodstream. However, when too much sugar is present, insulin instructs your body to store that excess as fat. The result: higher weight.

Focusing on calories alone can lead us to make dietary choices that actually disrupt our appetite signals, decrease our energy levels, and make weight-gain more likely, instead of less. Consider most convenience foods: highly refined and rapidly absorbed, they don't satisfy hunger, leading us to eat more. Many ready-made diet foods are the same: made from refined ingredients and often lacking fibre and real nutrients, they offer short-term satisfaction (although even that is debatable – I don't know about you, but I've yet to taste a diet meal I'd classify as palatable, let alone delicious) followed by hunger pangs.

So, in a sense, that quote from the book Butter is correct. Dieting is moronic because it is based on a flawed calories-in-calories-out model and the incorrect assumption that the body acts like a machine. It's also meaningless because when we diet this way we deny ourselves the pleasure of good food and the pleasure of feeling good. We don't diet for fun, but because we don't feel good in ourselves and we're seeking to make it right. We've just been doing it the wrong way all these years.

How to lose weight without weighing yourself or counting calories

If there's one thing I encourage you do to as you navigate finding your way to a healthier relationship with food and with your body, is to put the calorie charts to one side and instead focus on eating balanced meals made with whole foods. I've written a workbook called 7 Steps to Release Excess Weight. It contains helpful information on what makes a healthy diet, the best sources of macro- and micronutrients, and plenty of quick, healthy and tasty meal ideas and worksheets to get your started. You can download your free copy here.

The other thing I recommend is to begin the inner work required to accept where we are right now – weight, diet, emotions, patterns all point us towards the places where change needs to happen. If we simply try to change the number on the scales, or the number of calories we consume, we won't create meaningful or lasting change. We must begin with compassion for ourselves, acceptance, and gentle curiosity.

4 tips to move towards a healthier weight

 

What does healthy means to you? If it's about changing your appearance, go a little deeper – what will this change bring you? Getting clear on this part will help you begin to view health as a set of feelings rather than a rigid number.

 

#1 Swap your goal weight with goal feelings

I invite you to ditch the numbers and instead begin to explore what a healthy weight means to you. Make a list of feelings you associate with being healthy – it might be confidence, pride in yourself, being unafraid to dream, being bold or motivated, feeling sensual, creative, energetic, etc. Then make a list of actions, behaviours and situations where you feel those feelings. Maybe you feel confident or motivated when you spend time with like-minded people, or you unlock some creativity after you get a massage, or you get in touch with your sensual side when you dance to a particular song. You'll end up with a list of ways to engage with the feelings of being healthy (and none of these will involve stepping onto the bathroom scales).

#2 Take a bold, judgement-free look at your current eating habits

Write it all down, every day, for a couple of weeks. Don't try to change anything, just record what you eat – when, with whom, and how much, alongside emotions, situations and stress-levels. This will give you clarity on your eating patterns, shining a light on areas where things are out of balance and supporting a deeper understanding of how your emotions and environment are driving your choices. From this place, it is easier to see where you can make the most effective changes – not to what's on your plate, but to the parts of yourself that are on autopilot when it comes to food.

#3 Forget about calories

Choose instead to nourish your body with whole foods. That means balancing your plate with complex carbohydrates, plant protein, healthy fats and plenty of fruits and vegetables. I promise that it isn't boring, or bland, or complicated. In fact, I've written a free guide that explains how these nutrients support holistic health and includes simple delicious recipes to get you started. You can download it here.

The workbook will give you clarity on:

• the foods you most enjoy (so you can redesign your diet around the flavours and textures you love, choosing foods that love you back);

• your patterns (so you can begin the exciting journey of understanding how your emotions and environment impact your choices); and

• your areas of potential change (so you can reevaluate beliefs, reprogramme automatic thoughts, and create a new way of relating to yourself).

#4 Work with a coach or therapist

Weight-gain is a complex issue. It's driven by many factors, from the addictive nature of the foods we consume (for example, ultra processed foods are manufactured to light up our dopamine receptors for ultimate pleasure and what's known in the business as "repeat appeal"), to the unconscious beliefs we hold about ourselves, the need to soothe stress or the desire to escape life's grind for a moment or two. Working with a coach or therapist can speed up your understanding of yourself and bring clarity to your automatic patterns so that you can make different choices – choices rooted in authenticity, intentionality, connection, and health.

A new way of looking at health and weight-loss is possible

 

Numbers can be useful, but if we reduce health to this then we miss the point. If you want to change your relationship with food and improve your relationship with your body, the answer is not calorie counting or aiming for a particular body weight, but rather clarifying what an improved relationship with your body means to you, taking an objective and compassionate look at your food choices, and beginning the important work of understanding your emotions, your triggers, and your potential for change.