To feel better or to get better at feeling?

What is the goal of therapy? Is it to feel better, or is it to get better at feeling?

I think it is both. Of course feeling better is a worthy goal. But the truth is that uncomfortable feelings are part of life, and therapy is about giving you the space, insight and tools to help you get better at feeling.

The pit-falls of trying to feel better

Feeling better cannot be the only goal. After all, we feel better after a glass of wine, or momentarily elated after the purchase of a great pair of jeans. Our attempts to feel better in the moment don’t really help in the long term unless we also learn to hold our emotions. Am I against a good glass of wine or a spot of shopping? Absolutely not. But if we stay here, we do ourselves a disservice.

If feeling better is the only goal, then therapy might become a place where we simply vent our emotions or frustrations, sticking to the story of ourselves as victims of the past or current circumstances. We all need a listening ear from time to time, but the point of therapy is to go deeper than that; to get curious about where uncomfortable feelings or emotions come from, and begin to gently explore. If we are only trying to feel better, we might seek to change our behaviours to achieve a goal (such as weight loss), focusing solely on actions. In this case we also do ourselves a disservice, because we fail to take the time to understand the reasons why we are where we are right now.

Life happens, with its light and its dark. Unfortunately, we are sold the idea that happiness is the whole point, which leads to many of us feeling like we’re failing if we’re not happy all the time. At the first sign of sadness, we run to the anti-depressants or whatever other product might make us feel better (please note: I am not against medications, these can be helpful, but I believe that they have to be accompanied by therapy and holistic support). In doing so, we bypass something important: the learning potential in all difficult emotions.

Getting better at feeling

What does it mean to get better at feeling? Instead of running from difficult emotions, we learn to get comfortable with them, to hold them and ask: Why are you here? Where do you come from? What do you need?

For example:

Melody, a serial monogamist, has just experienced another break-up. This time her partner cheated on her and she is faced with a cocktail of painful emotions: grief, shame, anger.

If her goal is to feel better, she might go for drinks and vent to some commiserating friends about how terrible her partner was. This would be a perfectly legitimate approach, by the way, but if she remains there, the chances are that she will repeat the pattern in her next relationship.

If Melody wants to break the pattern, she needs to understand what happened; she needs to be brave and look at what role she played in these relationships, independently of her partners’ actions. This isn’t about blame, but about taking accountability for her own thoughts and actions. With gentle exploration, we might uncover the beliefs she holds that drive these patterns, such as the belief someone is always waiting in the wings to steal what she holds dear, or the belief that she doesn’t compare well to the beautiful people in the world, or the belief that she isn’t worthy unless she is in a relationship, or the belief that she has to be a certain way in order to be loved and accepted. When she explores those beliefs and their origins, Melody can experience some compassion for her journey so far and her relationship choices. She can make changes from a space of self-love and self-responsibility, and begin by nurturing a strong, respectful relationship with herself. And this, ultimately, sets the scene for future relationships.

The goal of therapy

Whatever therapy you choose to try – whether it is Internal Family Systems, Gestalt Therapy, Compassionate Inquiry, Somatic Experiencing, life coaching, etc. – the goal is to become better at feeling, understanding and holding your emotions. When you do, you will not only feel better, but know yourself better too. And from that space, you'll be able to make the changes you want to make in your life from a place of strength and authenticity.

Are you curious about getting better at feeling? Book a free introduction call and let's talk.

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