How substantial are you if you do not cast a shadow? You must have a dark side in order to be whole. I’m paraphrasing Carl Jung here, and he makes an excellent point.
There is no path to transformation that does not include taking a look at your shadow. It’s uncomfortable, but necessary. The problem is we don’t accept our darkness. We would rather ignore it, because to acknowledge it feels too heavy. As a result, we stay stuck in patterns that don’t serve us – patterns that may be familiar and even, to an extent, comfortable, but which ultimately cause stagnation and pain.
Shadow and shame
In psychology, the shadow is an unconscious aspect of the personality which does not fit with the ego ideal. Shadow or darkness is the aspects of ourselves we feel ashamed of. To me, this means our insecurities, our anger, our old wounds, our deep sadness, our fears, our body, our age, anything that make us "less than" or imperfect. So much is sold to help us "up-level" our brains, faces and lives, it's little wonder we feel ashamed of anything in us that doesn't fit the airbrushed images of perfection we're constantly faced with.
The thing is, there is a lot of potential in the dark. But you have to walk into the shadows in order to find it. The potential I'm talking about is the kind that comes from fearless self-discovery and wisdom. When you understand where the shadows come from, you're in a good place to do something about them.
Take the fear of loneliness, for example. There is so much shame in being lonely, especially in our hyper-connected world. And what does that shame do? It makes you retreat even further into isolation. What if you began to explore it instead?
Part of that exploration means asking questions such as:
What do I make it mean about myself, that I'm lonely? (which could be: I am not worthy of love/attention/connection).
Where does that belief come from? (very often: early childhood experiences)
Is this belief true for me now?
The other part of this process is to look at the belief, or shadow, with compassion. Understanding where it comes from is the first step towards that.
Cultivating compassion
Are you compassionate? Most will answer: Yes, of course I’m compassionate – I love animals, I care about people, I’m mindful of my impact on the world. But the truth is most of us do not turn our compassion to where it is needed first: inwards.
We are often kinder to others than we are to ourselves. We forgive others their mistakes, but beat ourselves up if we get something wrong. We’re quick to show compassion for other people's struggles, yet judge ourselves harshly when we struggle. When this lack of self-compassion becomes chronic, we begin to judge others too, projecting onto them the insecurities we have about ourselves. Our increasingly divided and confrontational world is a reflection of this.
To start cultivating self-compassion, you can begin by becoming aware of when it happens, and using it as a teacher. Any time you find yourself judging others or yourself harshly, it’s a clear sign to start exploring your beliefs (with kindness).
This is especially relevant when you’re trying to make changes, such as changing your diet, reducing stress or creating a healthier lifestyle. If you begin from a place of judgement, you won’t get very far. Begin with compassion for why you are where you are now, and change becomes much easier.
How coaching can help
Accepting and exploring your dark side is one of the foundational steps towards finding balance and creating positive change in your life.
I use Gabor Mate’s Compassionate Inquiry method to help you dive into your shadow side with curiosity and compassion in a safe, non-judgemental space. As a result, you get to the root of your blocks and patterns, connect with self-love, and start creating new habits that take you towards your goals.
If you're curious about how coaching and Compassionate Inquiry therapy can help you embrace your shadows and create more balance in your life, then click the button below to book a free introduction call.
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